The ladies of WYCAB resolved this year to read some books, try out some of the advice given and then share our results. This should be fun…and quite transparent…but then again, I’m the consummate over sharer. Even at my expense, if I can help others, it’s worth it. Somehow. *smile* I actually chose, “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”, because frankly, I’on understand em. And I’m unashamed to admit it. The funny part about this is, I’ve had this book on the bookshelf for YEARS…I just didn’t want to read it. I didn’t want to see the truth about my then interest who has since become everything I was afraid to read about. Go figure. Coulda saved myself a crap load of time and energy. But this is EXACTLY the kinda stuff I wanna talk about today…when you KNOW, but don’t wanna know. I continued to float blindly (though not really) into some stuff I could have avoided. Well, Happy Birthday to me (literally…woo hoo), my gift to self is no longer lying to myself. And your gift to me can be no longer lying to yourself either. Deal?

We ask the difficult questions of our friends, most often, the people who think and act like us. Rarely do we herald the source, or someone least likely to sugar coat for us: men. I’m blessed to have 2 male best friends and as much as I hate to hear their opinions on men, I love to hear their opinions on men. Often, they give me information that shocks me, make me uncomfortable and prompts me to debate and attempt negotiation. At the end of the day, it is what it is. And that’s the difference between us. While we as women want to “figure it out” instead of accepting fact as fact, men are painstakingly simple. Sometimes the simplicity overwhelms and baffles us because since we think in a more complex manner we want to apply this complexity to their actions, or non-actions. Everything, for us, is connected in terms of how we operate, and what we say reflects how we act and what we do. We expect this logic to transfer to everyone that we come in contact with. Hear me: for men especially, it doesn’t. Men do not operate the way we do, therefore we will beat a bloody hole in our heads trying to figure out “why”, when we should be focused on “what.” That’s what this book seems to primarily help us with; for whatever reason, rationale or excuse he gives or WE COME UP WITH, the bottom line is most likely, “he’s just not that into you.”

Now, does that mean he doesn’t like you? Of course not. Are the 2 of you aligned? Probably not. At the point of misalignment one thing is for certain, either you’ll start dancing to the beat of his drum, or you’ll wait til you wear him down to yours…if you’re ever actually successful with that. I feel like somebody’s gonna bring up the 2 ladies who got a “ring on it” this past week as an example: Savannah (LeBron) and Chrissy (Jim Jones). Well, more power to these ladies. I’m no hater. If you can/will wait on a man to determine if he wants to marry you 7+ years down the road, with you kickin and screamin every step of the way, “do it Roger do it.” When the couple is just not ready for marriage that’s something they can decide, but when one party is unhappy for YEARS and opts to hang in, they should hang in in silence, IMHO. That stops being the man’s fault. If he says, I’m not ready and you accept that by staying, really accept that. Strong arming a man may get you what you want, but it may also get you something you don’t want. But congrats to these ladies…it’s undeniable that they have supported their men and remained loyal. These however are exceptions, not the rule. Don’t get it twisted.

We are accustomed to fairy tales from being little girls, and the truth is, life is no fairy tale. Optimism is dandy and has it’s place, but sometimes, we must use REALISM, and other times, PESSIMISM when dealing with the “interpretation” of the opposite sex. One thing I know about men, as friends, some in relationships and others as family is this: men know how to get what they want. They will NOT let what they are sure that they want get away. The point driven home in this book? Men are somewhat cowardly. They’d rather SHOW you than tell you. Watch the action even when the words don’t match up. When he doesn’t ask for your number, that’s not a hint that he wants you to give it to him or ask for his. When he doesn’t call, that’s not a hint that you need to call him because he “forgot” or got busy. When he doesn’t ask you out, or ask you out again, that’s not a clue that he needs you to ask him or would find it great if you asked him (I actually polled men about this and the ones who said they didn’t mind also said they’d go just “to be nice”). When he does not want to go to the next level with you (relationship or marriage), he is not afraid, he is not hurt from a past relationship, he is not too busy with his career…though he may be all of those things, NONE of those things would stand between him and you, if he wanted you. Plain and simple, “he’s just not that into you.”

Bitter pill to swallow? Maybe. But I choose to see it more as enlightenment and freedom. When you know better you do better. Imagine how much time, emotion and confusion we save by knowing the truth, spotting it in practice and acting accordingly. How many “girl, what do you think” phone calls and disgruntled tweets and FB statuses will be saved by accepting that a few good times or pleasant convo at a lounge or gathering does not a courtship make? Courtship. Hmm. Well, go in another time. I don’t think women need to think like a man to get a man, but we definitely need to understand and ACCEPT how men think. It just is.

Join me and read this book if you’d like, I’ll be adding some discussion here and there for you if you’d like to dialogue. If you’ve already read it, chime in. 

Ladies: do you find this principle helpful in some confusing dating situations?

Men: is this accurate?

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