A few months ago I met a guy via the social networks that turned out to be quite interesting. On paper he’s a magnificent catch. He’s degreed twice over, has a professional job, is a certified cutie (taller than me), is on his way to law school, and yes…he’s black. While many sisters would be licking their chops and busting out their best tricks to “catch” him, I’m wondering if I should put him on the shelf for later.
Follow me.
Although our vibe is most certainly easy and natural, there are a few downsides. One, he lives in another state, and while I’m not totally opposed to a long distance situation for a while, at some point one of us would have to move (which one?). Two, he’s younger than me. I know Aaliyah said age ain’t nothing but a number, but it is. I know he’s nowhere near ready to settle down (am I?), so getting into something serious might not be the best course of action right now, or else I may end up pouting like Chrissy, wondering when he’s gonna put a ring on it. No bueno. And Three, he’s getting ready to go to law school and that alone will put the kibosh any sort of extra time he’ll have to devote to me.
Despite being a practical woman, I was gushing about him to a friend of mine over the weekend, listing all the positives and negatives. Interestingly enough, she proclaimed that I needed to “hold on to him” because brothas like him don’t come around too often.
I began thinking about this idea of 1) holding onto a good guy simply because another one might not come around to soon, and 2) if it was even possible to put people on relationship layaway until the two of you were ready to devote time to a relationship.
Even though it sounds good and logical in theory, can it really happen?
I’d imagine it would be tricky to carry on a not-so-serious relationship with someone you really want to be serious with when the time is right. If you continued dating, I’d imagine you’d still develop feelings for that person, and maybe even still fall in love and want a commitment, but then what? Now, one of you will be pissed because you to lock it down and the other person will be wonder when the rules changed and if they can get more time.
It all just seems so…messy.
But is it worth the potential disaster?
What say you? Is ‘relationship lawaway’ a viable option when you meet someone who’s GREAT, but the timing is wrong?
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this is everything im thinking right now…same situation to an exact t, except its only been a few weeks…but all the same bells and whistles and hooks (im even the older one
i just like the fact that im sane enuf to not try to get too attached tho i am interested. i feel like i am going to lay-it-away as you say and just roll with it and see what becomes of it. grown girl status.
While it may be convenient, it certainly doesn’t seem like a very nice thing to do to a person, at least explicitly. Take the male perspective in this situation. He’s met someone who’s totally into him, who he’s totally into, and she’s asking for him to come back in a couple of months? I understand that you have good intentions, but take it from a ‘nice guy’ that just sounds like you’re trying to weasel your way out of any kind of romantic encounter to be ‘just friends,’ which I don’t think either of you want.
On the flip, there’s no rule that says that you have to be committed right away. While the content of your last paragraph certainly spells a doomsday scenario, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be if you are open and honest about your feelings.
Despite what movies and TV shows want you to think, men are not commodities. We are thinking, feeling beings. If you really want to be with him, but you know that things aren’t right, let him know. Maybe you can come up with a solution together that works for both of you. But bottom line, don’t ever stop letting him know how you feel – or rather how you’re feeling – about him.
I hope everything works out for the best.
Interesting. I’m actually *not* trying to weasel out on anything, I realize that he’s not ready for a relationship & won’t have the time once he enters law school. EYE would like to pursue one, but such is life. Because he is a good guy, however, I wanted to test this “hold onto him” idea that my friend threw out. I don’t buy it, but hey…I write to get other folks perspectives.
thanks for reading & your comment
I do appreciate having a “nice guy’s” perspective.
i just wanted to comment again to clarify.. when i say layaway it will be in a way that we are just continuing, learning each other, having fun, getting to know each other but i wouldn’t be the one to give false hope or anything like that. my layway means just going with it and seeing if all of the challenges can work themselves out naturally instead of jumping into it thinking we’ve gotta close the distance, make a committment. that all seems too heavy. i would just roll with it for a while without entertaining all of that. carefree.
I wouldn’t call it layway, because you may not ever be able to bring home what you’ve been making payments on. But at the same time, that’s okay. If you’re not ready to commit and dive into a relationship, then you’re just not ready. Plain and simple.
That person may not be around when you finally decide you’re bout it, but that’s okay. It means you weren’t meant to be and there’s a good chance you’ll find somebody better simply because you don’t feel the need to hop, skip, and jump for every “good” man that crosses your path.
I’m curious to see what type of effort a dude in this situation will make to stay in the picture. That’s very telling as well.
this is a funny proposition. so you put down in the beginning to reserve your man. let’s say 20% and a $5 fee. you make payments just enough to keep him in place until you have either paid in full, or, reached the expiration date. what are you offering that’s so bomb as to keep him waiting? your magnificent self.
i just don’t understand why women don’t just date, or enjoy friendships and see where they will lead, or wont lead. its’ called living life. sure we get hurt and there are ups and downs. but we accept what we choose and grow.